Josh Karpf: Tales from the Coop

TALES FROM THE COOP

Satiric dispatches from old and recent General Meetings, the governing body of the Park Slope Food Coop in Brooklyn. A selective chronicle of the interesting and the unpleasant in coop governance.

Reports are listed from the newest to oldest.

`2002`	Tweedledum and Tweedledee. At the Annual Meeting, two duel to be elected director, both brainlessly and one without arms. We Vote to Vote Not to Vote. A battle over price labels becomes a battle over battling. Parliamentary Traitors to Meat. Anguish not about meat, but about voting about meat. Beers for the Renovation Committee. Beer vote, Renovation Committee back-patting, a coordinator raise, and the unnameable coop foundation.
`2001`	New Meat on the Board and Shelves: The Annual Meeting. New directors elected -- guess whose! -- and the results of the meat referendum. Meating from Hell. Should the coop sell juicy steaks? Workslot Whores Outlawed, and Waiting for Scanners Wasted. Coop morality and inefficiency.
`2000`	Mature Withdrawal. An item proposer amicably gives up. Moneylender Voted Out of the Temple. ATMs voted down and a president voted in. Smarmy Ties McCarthy. The real presidential election. Proxyless Smooching and Populist Fascism. The coordinators' candidates carry the Annual Meeting. Bending Over for the Bank. The costs and risks of building the Building Next Door. No More Fistfuls of Proxies. Elections will be more democratic, though no more sane. Eco-Nazis in the Synagogue. Should genetically engineered food be banned, or just dissed? Disempowerment Is Empowerment. The governed get to govern themselves. Minutes Seconded. Staffing the star chamber, and keeping GM minutes out of GM hands.
`1999`	The Mouseketeers Have Ears After All. "We can sell floor wax AND dessert topping!" The Mouseketeers Can't Hear You. You want us to redesign what? Not to the Coop's Credit. A chat about plastic and a fight about minutes. Minute by Minute. We don't need no stinking record-keeping! Mouseketeers Spew Chunks of Building Material. Building Next Door news, and recycling. Brat Beats Patriarch. Annual Meeting vote results. Is That a Thermos in Your Pocket, or Are You Just Happy to See Me? Thievery, and a plea for more chairpeople. Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer! Bartering and beer. Let's Cooperatively Kill All the Lawyers. Litigious nitpicking and hurt feelings. You Win Some, You Loose Some. Member design team recreated; board of directors redesign fails. The Coordinator Strikes Back. Building bought, design team killed, and another directors' squabble.
`1998`	The Faux Fur Flies. The Building Next Door may not be buildable, and the board of directors has a catfight. I Like Governance, You Like Governance. Unopposed elections and self-satisfaction. GM Jacks Off over Being Jacked In. Computer geeks fail to inherit the earth, and we boycott the grape boycott. "Look at Me! I'm Not a Candidate! I'm Not Running! Pay Attention to Me!": The Annual Meeting. The last rebel huffs the board from which he's already gone. Mission Accomplished Mission statement passes, member labor discussed, and the GM suffers a telephone soliciation. "This Isn't a Particularly Easy Workslot" Building Next Door worries, proxies upheld, and revising history. Building-Next-Door Referendum Approved. But not without a fight.
`1997`	Robbed in Noncooperative Assault, Coop Votes to Shuffle Furniture. Bar-code scanners versus guns. Even the Reporter Huffs. Rebel directors practice their surl. Huge Special Meeting Overrules Building-Study Veto. Staff makes concessions; fascist cloud looms over future General Meetings. Plus New York Times coverage.
`1996`	Rebel Directors Cast Historic First Veto, Nixing Vote of General Meeting. Staff push for building next door is shattered; coop frozen in constitutional crisis. With a Yadda Yadda Here and an Ook Ook There! Here Yadda There Yadda. Andy Kaufman's crackpot manifesto, and the spirituality of grapes. Mussolini Memorial Parking Lot Proposed. What it says. Perennial Anality at the Annual Meeting. Board of Directors elects from staff stooges and enemy rebels. Andy Kaufman humiliated. Toxin Vote Defeated by Ice Cream Cavalry. Is banning possible toxins fascist paternalism, or loving protection?
`1995`	Cruelty-Free Meeting? Not Here! What price pensions, gun threats, and discounts for the old? Members Bashful and Babbling. Debut of Andy Kaufman. Geeks and Governance. A computer geek is hired, and the weak opposition propped up.
`1994`	Let's Have Fun at the Park Slope Food Coop General Meeting! My first dispatch. Paper v. plastic.

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jkarpf@echonyc.com